Okay, I need to talk about something that caught me completely off guard as a first time mom. NOBODY warned me about it Not the baby books, not the hospital not the Instagram moms I followed while pregnant which is wild.
Every time I sat down to pump or nurse I’d get hit with this wave of sadness. Not “aww, my baby’s growing up” sad. More like a sudden, heavy, everything is wrong and I don’t know why sad. Out of nowhere. And then a few minutes later? it’s gone like nothing happened and I feel a bit crazy like I imagined it?
Note: I am not a doctor. I’m a mom who spent way too many 3 a.m. feeds googling things. If you’re feeling down a lot of the time, not just for a few minutes during feeds, please talk to your doctor. Seriously. I’ll wait. It took me way too long to finally bring it up to my OBGYN.
The part where I thought I was broken
I was so excited to breastfeed Violet. And honestly, a lot of it was sweet and bonding and all the things they put on the posters. But then there was that wave every single time
I remember telling my mom “I hate pumping. Every time I do it, I feel like ripping my hair out” And I meant it. I just couldn’t explain why. It didn’t make sense to feel that awful during something that was supposed to be one of the most meaningful parts of being a new mom. So naturally I assumed it was me. Something must be wrong with me!
Turns out it’s a real thing, and it’s called D-MER, which stands for dysphoric milk ejection reflex. Catchy, right? Rolls right off the tongue.
D-MER is not postpartum depression and it’s not that you secretly hate breastfeeding. It’s a quick physical reaction that happens right when your milk lets down. The leading theory is that your dopamine (the feel good chemical) takes a sudden dip right at letdown. So your body is basically doing its job and accidentally pulling the plug on your mood for a minute.
For most moms (from what I read) it lasts anywhere from a few seconds to a couple of minutes then fades once the milk is flowing. Which is exactly what I felt. I wasn’t broken. My hormones were just being dramatic which is fitting for me lol
The hardest thing wasn’t even the feeling. It was trying to explain it. When I brought it up to friends and family I mostly got blank stares or “oh, that’s normal, you’re just tired.” Which YES was tired as shit. I was a new mom. I was always tired. But this was different and being brushed off made me feel even more alone with it.
So if this is you right now, hi. You’re not crazy, you’re not ungrateful, and you’re definitely not the only one.
What actually helped me (and might help you)
Knowing it has a name Honestly, this was the biggest one. Once I knew it was a body thing and not a me thing it got a lot less scary. I could ride the wave instead of spiraling about it.
Distracting myself A show, a podcast, scrolling, texting a friend. Anything to get through those first few minutes.
Talking to other moms The second I mentioned it to someone who’d been through it, I felt ten pounds lighter. If you’re going through it, leave a comment. I’m happy to talk it through with you.
Giving myself some grace This one’s hard for me (hello, overachiever) but these feelings aren’t your fault and they don’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.
Getting help if it’s more than a few minutes If the sadness sticks around or gets worse, talk to your doctor or a lactation consultant. That’s not D-MER anymore, and you deserve real support!
We put so much pressure on ourselves to love every second of motherhood and then feel guilty when we don’t. But motherhood is messy, and some parts of it just feel bad sometimes, even the “beautiful” parts. That doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you a human one.
So to every mama out there sitting with a pump at 2 a.m. feeling sad for no reason and wondering what’s wrong with you: nothing is wrong with you. You’re doing great. And your hormones are being extra. Totally different thing!
