I had my therapy session this week and learned something about myself or maybe I’ve always known this? I often feel like I’m too much.
Have you ever felt like you’re “too much” all the time? The same trait everyone loves about me is often used as a weapon when they’re not happy with me, or when I’m simply being human with human emotions.
I never know where I land and my god it’s such a lonely place to be.
I find myself changing my reactions trying to make myself small to fit into rooms and rying really hard so people don’t think I’m taking up too much space. What a shitty thing to do to yourself. I always feel upset with myself afterward because I should know better than to do that.
II’m currently Director of Customer Success at a software company which is a a very male dominated space. I’ve been called aggressive when I put my foot down. I’ve had racist remarks made by men who don’t know me, remarks that shift only slightly once they learn my title. I’ve been told I’m doing too much, that I’m “always like this” when I put my foot down.
I don’t know if that’s just the culture but I honestly feel like it’s in most aspects of my life. Something about being called aggressive is such a trigger word for me.
This isn’t something that happens only at work. When I’m sad and express my emotions in my personal life, it’s always “too much,” or I’m coming in “too strong.”
I guess the million dollar question is where do I belong & where can I land where I’m not too much. Are my people out there who see me for all that I am and appreciate it?
My therapist told me I need to find peace within myself and she’s right. I hope to get there one day not only for myself but as an example for my daughter.
On the outside, I have it together. I’m killing it at work, I’m doing side hustles, I’m traveling and doing all the things but inside I feel alone. I feel like I have to make myself small for others and I HATEE it!
I don’t know if anyone else feels this way. But my hope with therapy is that I can heal my inner child, stop being a pathological people pleaser and become so confident in who I am that no rock thrown my way no harsh description can tear me down. For now I’ll fake it til I make it lol
If you’ve ever felt “too much,” you’re not alone. Maybe we can figure out where we belong together.
